


An Ineffable Roomba

by lilolilyrae



Series: An Ineffable Romance [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), humans are weird - Fandom
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Humans Are Weird, Other, Stabby the Space Roomba, Stabby the robot, stabby the roomba - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:27:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23360191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: Crowley has a roomba.Said roomba is sentient.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: An Ineffable Romance [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1463479
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2020-03-28

Crowley can't say that it was him who had the idea for little dust eating robots, the humans came up with that all on their own.

But given that he has always approved of the sin _sloth_ , and now no longer has to pretend not to enjoy something because it doesn't make human lives harder, he can say he really does like the idea of a little robot doing house chores.

Dust has annoyed him since its invention. While Crowley can of course miracle it away, there's just so much of it in so many places, and he inevitably forgets one corner or two and alright maybe he has what humans would call OCD, and can't control a grimace whenever he sees a dusty spot behind the couch or on top pf the TV screen.

So, a while after the almost-apocalypse, Crowley gets a roomba for his flat.

He calls the roomba 'Roomba', much like Adam called his dog 'Dog', perhaps thinking that it is just a tiny little bit funny.

Or, really, hilarious.

And it is good that he gave it a name at all, as, like everything that stays around him for any prolonged period of time, from his plants to his Bentley, the little machine also starts getting sentient quite soon.

Crowley first notices it when Aziraphale is at the flat- the machine almost makes a purring noise when driving around the angel.

Crowley grins, satisfied. Everything of his should better approve of the angel.

Except, maybe, the plants because they do so way too much and are barely afraid of Crowley himself anymore...

The next time Crowley notices the roomba's sentient-ness is when one day, Crowley walks through his flat not suspecting any trouble.  
He has a plant that had been 'naughty' in his hand- two yellow spots!- and he will move it to the shredder, set it next to it, turn the thing on and, when the plant is at its most afraid, move it out into the sun.

Before he even reaches the other room, however, Crowley feels a sudden pain in his ankle-

The roomba hit him!

The blessed thing is supposed to see when something, or someone, is in front of it! Is it broken already? No, Crowley firmly believes that it isn't- he gives Roomba a sharp look- so it can't be.

When he comes back from Aziraphale's bookshop a while later, the roomba is on his best behavior, and Crowley soon stops thinking about the entire affair.

About a month later, he is reminded of the incident in the most awful way.

He is alone, sitting on the floor of the apartment and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. He doesn't even like whiskey. It was the bottle with the highest percentage of alcohol he had been able to find in the flat.

Why, do you ask? Oh, Crowley has a lot of reasons, and none really explains what came over him just this instance.

He's still a demon, still convinced that he's evil, that Aziraphale deserves better whether he realises it or not, that he will realise it sooner or later and leave Crowley, thereby breaking his heart...  
Still knows that humans, humanity as well as the individual people, are fragile and mortal and don't last forever, and that he has to deal with eternityyyyy if he doesn't give in and commit suicide sooner or later.

As he's taking another swig from the bottle, wallowing in his misery, the roomba bumps into him. And it is not a gentle bump.

"Oh yes, come onnn! Hit me when I'm already down! Fucking thing" but he can't bring himself the off the roomba. Aziraphale likes it, for starters. So he just turns the thing around to wheel off into the other direction and continues drinking himself into oblivion.

Some other day, Crowley is opening the door to find Aziraphale at the doorstep, bags of groceries in hand- and another man, a neighbor who has helped the angel carry up the purchases...

Crowley narrows his eyes at him. That guy better not be having any... intentions towards his angel.

A split second later, Roomba wheezes out the door, actually making the guy trip.

Now, Crowley has an inkling of an idea as to why the roomba is acting the way it does, why it likes Aziraphale so much while it hits the people it hits. Oh someone, what does that mean for his own mental health?

Well, best not think about it.

And if Roomba hits Crowley less and less the more time he spends around Aziraphale, being told how kind, loveable and loved he is, feeling content in ways he never felt in all the years in hell’s service… well, their relationship has always been Ineffable, after all.

And the rest, or so they say, is history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From this point on I kinda put the fics in different order to better fit together as parts of this series than the order they were originally posted in, but I guess if you don't want to wait for the next chapter here, you could continue reading [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22271932) :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2020-03-31

Crowley is basking in the afternoon sun shining through the kitchen windows, head buried under his tail to keep out the light. He is almost asleep when he hears someone come in.

Untangling himself and lifting his head, he sees Aziraphale- the angel doesn't notice him as he has his nose buried in a book as always.

However- this one is a cooking book.

Uh-oh, Crowley thinks. He knows Aziraphale's attempts at 'cooking' well enough by now to know that he better stays here-and stays alert- in case something happens...

But the sun is so nice... So warm... And Aziraphale cluttering around in the kitchen is actually kind of a soothing sound- plus, it keeps the Roomba distracted in there and away from him…

Without even noticing, Crowley closes his eyes, slides his snout back under his scales to block out the light and seconds later he is asleep.

  
He wakes up with a jolt when a loud noise echoes through the room.

Shocked, Crowley tries to look up, forgets his snakey body for a second and falls down, transforming to his human shape before he hits the ground.

"Ouch! 'Zira, what the fuck?!"

Staring at the chaos in front of him, he barely even notices that he is naked- must've forgotten to miracle up clothes in the unexpected transformation.

"Oh, Crowley, I'm so sorry-" Aziraphale cries, fidgeting with a wooden spoon. "I didn't see you there, I didn't mean to scare you, well, I didn't mean for any of this to happen, you see? Oh, now your kitchen is ruined..." The poor angel looks close to tears.

Crowley does see. Apparently, a pot exploded, destroying everything in its vicinity and spreading its content- some kind of sauce? At least it has the consistency of one, although Crowley isn't sure that's what it was supposed to be...And why is it purple?- all over the walls.

Anyhow.

"It's okay, angel, we'll just miracle it away" Crowley snaps his fingers a few times, cleaning up the food and rubble and restoring the pots and trinkets to their normal clean state.

Roomba roombas into the room, taking care of the spots Crowley missed, but the demon barely notices, instead staring at Aziraphale. 

"Long as you're alright... _Can't_ have you get discorporated, angel, fairly certain that'd be more than just inconvenient this time!"

A sense of urgentness is creeping into his voice as he says that, and Aziraphale immediately lets his hands sink, miracling away the spoon as he does.

"Oh, Crowley... I truly didn't mean to scare you like that. I was careful, please believe me when I say I would not be quite that incautius- I had a miracle ready to keep everything away from me."

Crowley nods, slightly shakily.

Aziraphale draws him into a hug, pressing soothing kisses to his cheek.

Crowley shivers as he comes down from the adrenaline rush- and then, he shivers for a different reason entirely as Aziraphale’s clothes brush over his skin, as the angel's groin presses into his own...

Upon noticing the other's state of undress and obvious interest, Aziraphale presses closer, and Crowley groans.

"Annnnggel- no fair, thiss is tempting, _tempting_ , you can't do that-"

Aziraphal laughs, and his hands slide lower, grabbing Crowley's arse. 

The demon lets out a whining sound he is only half-embarrassed about, nips at Aziraphale's neck and kisses his ear before stepping back, out of his embrace, only to take his hand and drag him into the bedroom.

"Naughty, naughty angel! We are _not_ doing that in the kitchen normally, and definitely not after what you just- ngkkk!"

Aziraphale has miracled away his clothes to fold up on a chair by the door before, once again, stepping closer to his demon.

"Crowley" he whispers into his ear, "stop talking, dearest..."

In retaliation, Crowley shuts up the both of them with a kiss.

After a few rounds of truly magical sex, Aziraphale puts on his clothes again and miracles up what he knows is one of Crowley's favorite type of dress.

"Will you go to the Ritz with me tonight? I probably won't manage to cook anything decent anymore, today..." The angel mumbles into Crowley’s neck.

"Alright, and next time you do attempt to cook, _ask_ me first and I'll _help_." Crowley says fiercely.

Aziraphale laughs: "Oh of course dearest, but are you sure that would make the situation lesschaotic?"

Crowley gives him a burning look. "You don't know everything about me, angel"

Aziraphale crooks his neck. Does his demon have a hidden talent? Before he can ask, Crowley just rolls his eyes and takes Aziraphale's jacket from the counter.

"Let's go then, angel"

Aziraphale smiles softly "Of course, my dear boy."

  
At the Ritz, Crowley and Aziraphale chat about this and that while waiting for their food, then eat mostly in silence.

Afterwards, Crowley puts down his cutlery, leaning back in his chair and looking at the other.

"So, I was thinking... Going out dancing wasn't so bad last week, was it?"

Aziraphale looks up, surprised. After all the chaos of the day, he didn't expect the change of topic. "Not bad at all! Do you want to go out again? Oh, sorry but I'm so full now-"

"No, no, angel, don't worry-" Crowley yawns- "After you cut my nap short, tonight I just want to sleep. But the club got me thinking- it might still not be the gavotte, but do you want to take dancing lessons with me? Like, the ballroom type?"

Aziraphale beams at him

"Oh really? Of course! You would do that for me? I know it isn't re  
ally your 'scene'..."

Crowley rolls his eyes. "Oh, pleasse, the club wasn't yours either and you still went with me, didn't you?"

And really, that settles it.

  
Crowley and Aziraphale's first dancing lesson is, to say the least, awkward.

Aziraphale has been excited for the class all week, and now that he is there, he tries to follow the instructions of their poor human teacher to the letter, getting a little frustrated when something doesn't work out and repeating the same move over and over until he does it just right.

Crowley, on the other hand, felt some trepidation before the class. This upscale school of dance is the opposite of their usual environment, and all the staidly dressed patrons just cement their image of the place. Still, when it comes to the actual dancing, Crowley starts with a lot of enthusiasm, feeling ready to learn even the hardest steps and attempting to do so with wide, extravagant- and extravagantly chaotic- movements, stumbling over their own feet, stepping on Aziraphale's toes in his brand-new dancing shoes, and almost knocking out some of the other students.

Aziraphale sighs as he looks at Crowley bouncing around. Well, he thinks, it's just the first lesson, maybe it will get better with time? And Crowley is happy enough to let Aziraphale twirl them around in a ladies solo of the cha-cha-cha.

The next lesson, however, only gets worse.

Within the first half hour, Crowley gets mad at Aziraphale for not doing any exciting moves, then Aziraphale gets mad at her for not letting him lead when Crowley earlier insisted on doing the ladies part, and then Crowley refuses to dance with him again and almost has a shouting match with one of the teachers because the guy called her steps uncoordinated.

  
In the end, Aziraphale only learns a single step of the tango- although maybe not just because of Crowley’s interruption and them leaving early because it. If he's being honest with himself he would have focused on the one step all day, anyway. And why not? Other than those humans, he has time...

So he wouldn't even mind that much about the entire affair. Crowley, however, is still fuming, and when Aziraphale asks her what is wrong when they are sitting in the Bentley together, she just hisses "You wouldn't underssstand, you're sslow as a turtle anyway"

Aziraphale leans back in shock. "Perhaps this wasn't the best idea after all, dearest"

Crowley freezes at Aziraphale's words. Did she ruin it now for the angel?? This was not supposed to happen! She wants to say something, but Aziraphale already disappeard into the bookshop.

  
Later that day, it's already getting dark outside, Crowley invites Aziraphale over into their flat.

When Aziraphale arrives, the demon is nowhere to find.

"Crowley?" he calls.

"Upstairs!" Crowley answers. Aziraphale frowns. He's already in the penthouse... Ah, right. The roof. He knows there's an illegally installed ladder leading up to it directly from Crowley's bedroom...

The night sky is beautiful overhead, for once devoid of clouds and even a few stars are visible.

Crowley is standing a few metres away, fidgeting with his sleeves.

"So, angel, those dancing lessons were a bit of a disaster so far-"

Aziraphale wants to say something, like, it wasn't your fault, but Crowley waves it away.

"Let me, okay? These lessons were supposed to be for you, and in the end I didn't even let you dance with me anymore. I mean, okay, I can't promise I'll ever have the patience to do the same step a gazillion times, but what about a compromise? I'll stick to the easy steps and let you lead, and you'll actually lead some steps that aren't the basic ones that keep us in the same spot all the time?"

Aziraphale smiles. "That sounds wonderful, darling. But why are we having this talk up here?"

Crowley grins, and with a snap of their fingers, music fills the air. Stroking their shoulder length hair out of their face and behind their ears, Crowley saunters up to Aziraphale. "It's a waltz, I think you learned a few steps of that already, so... May I have this dance?"

Aziraphale laughs, delighted. "I thought I was supposed to lead, dear! Then I'm supposed to ask that"

Crowley rolls their eyes. "Who cares about arbitrary human rules. Now?"

In answer, Aziraphale draws them close.

"Oh, my dearest, it is wonderful!"

_Roomba_ does not think that this is wonderful at all.

Angel and demon are moving too fast for the little robot to figure out a way through the room without hitting anybody, and Crowley seems so _happy_ that, well- Roomba doesn't _want_ to hit them, either.

In the end, it turns back around and wheels towards the kitchen. There's probably still something for it to eat on the floor there, after all.


	3. Chapter 3

Roomba is a roomba. It is vaguely aware of this fact, but it doesn't understand what it means or what else it could be, and it doesn't matter- after all, it is just a roomba.

Its purpose is not thinking but cleaning a flat: fallen angel and more-or-less- _ex_ -demon Crowley's flat, to be precise.

This fact is important, not just for the sake of this story, but also to understand why the little roomba is self-aware at all. This is not the natural state of a robot, after all, at least one without a built-in artificial intelligence.

You must know that around the demon, everything gets sentient rather sooner than later, from plants over electronics to completely inanimate objects.

Roomba doesn't know this. Crowley’s flat is Roomba's entire world, and without a reference group, it's the new normal for the little robot.

What is not normal, even to Roomba, however, is the way the demon acts towards certain people.

And the way it affects Roomba's feelings for them.

You must also know, that Roomba doesn't really _like_ Crowley. Not that it hates the demon, either, at least not exactly and not always- it's complicated.

It doesn't know why, it is barely aware of the fact that it has always been this way.

It doesn't like Crowley, and therefore, doesn't care when Crowley is in the way, just bumps into them until the demon moves.

Given that Crowley is the first (and for a while only) person Roomba knows, Roomba is under the impression that it just dislikes people.

It does, however, like Aziraphale as soon as the angel steps through the door of the apartment.

This confuses Roomba entirely.

It wants the angel's attention- not that it knows what an angel is- it wants to be petted, to be told it is doing good- _where is this coming from?!_

And after getting over the initial shock, Roomba notices that it is also less hostile towards its owner while Aziraphale is around.

Huh. Maybe Crowley isn't so bad?

But then, the next morning, with Aziraphale gone, when Crowley stumbles out of bed with a grouchy expression on his face, Roomba promptly feels the urge to drive into his shins again.

 _Aaah, yes. Still got it._ The roomba thinks when Crowley jumps up and down, clutching his left foot.

  
"Angel!"

Crowley saunters into the flat, throwing his jacket over a chair- not because it's careless but because it looks cool, okay? And it's not like he can't magic any wrinkles out of it later. Or miracle up a new jacket. Honestly, when has he started keeping his clothes around for longer than he's wearing them? All that angel's influence, he knows it.

Said angel pops his head out of the kitchen door.

"Yes, Crowley, darling?"

"...what are you doing in the kitchen. Without adult supervision."

"Crowley!"

"Yeah, yeah, 'Ziraphale, just don't burn the house down. Ouch!"

A little cleaning roomba has hit him in the shins, beeping angrily before it disappears around the corner. Crowley doesn't even know why he still keeps the thing around.

Except he really does.

a) the angel likes the weird machine

b) the roomba doesn't seem as hostile as it once was.

So really, what can he do?

The thing used to bump into him all the time because it hated him, now it probably only did it because it likes the angel more than him and felt the need to defend him.

"Ugh. Whatever. Ganging up on me. What are you making, anyway?"

"Snacks, for our film night!"

"...what"

"You said we were going to watch another film together-"

"Yeah Yeah I know what I said. Ngk. It's just you usually you just buy chips or something for movie night. Put popcorn in the microwave at most."

Aziraphale sniffs, clearly considering such a thing unsophisticated.

"Mhm" Crowley saunters past him into the kitchen, snatching a piece of- it's something baked? Probably? Off a tray and hissing in delight at how it tastes.

"What are we watching, anyway?" Aziraphale asks before Crowley can ask him about the food.

"Uh, I found out that they're making a new James Bond film soon- and I haven't even watched the last one yet, so"

"Well, we can't have that!"

"'Xactly! Though I dunno what to think about what I've heard about the next one anyway... There'll be a new 007, but she's not Bond? Why isn't she bond? Why does it have to make sense together with the Craig universe, it's not like any of the others made any sense when they switched actors."

"Yes, yes, they never make much sense, aren't like the books at all usually"

Aziraphale had read some of them when Crowley was into the genre for the first time- the demon even had a bullet hole sticker on his car, Aziraphale had been terrified when he had seen it for the first time! Yes, if he remembers correctly (when does he ever not), that is how they started getting into the topic for the first time, Crowley talking about that fictional double-0 agent...

They settle down on the living room couch, turn on the TV and the speakers that still don't connect to anything.

"That intro is very sexist" Crowley grumbles. "not like they ever weren't, I mean..."

Aziraphale is just confused by it. "What does this even have to do with the story? Don't they usually show something that introduces it a bit? Oh, there it comes!"

Crowley keeps grumbling about the film as it goes on, he doesn't like that the woman that is immediately his favorite character is only seen for like two minutes on screen.

He does like it though, all in all.

Aziraphale is in awe at all the effects and 'look how far humans have made it with all this!' while at the same time not quite understanding why the film has to feature quite so many explosions.

Crowley likes the explosions. Well, he likes plot, too, usually, but this one's so dumb (again, he misses his favorite character), he'd rather stick to the explosions. Except maybe if there were less explosions, she would have gotten more screentime... Eh.

Aziraphale snuggles up closer to him as the romance between Bond and the newest Bond Girl builds on screen.

All in all, he counts the evening as a success.

  
Meanwhile, the resident roomba beep-boops as it rolls into the room, unnoticed by the two not-quite-human-beings on the couch.

They are watching a movie about explosions.

Well, mostly arguing about a movie about explosions.

Maybe, if you want to be super nice, you could call it a friendly discussion.

Roomba doesn't want to be super nice. In fact, it barely wants to be nice at all. So it calls it arguing.

In its opinion, all their arguments are irrelevant anyways.

It knows what's really important.

What's really important is what it wants, and it knows what it wants, too.

What it wants is a _knife_ or even better a gun like the one from the agent on the telly taped to it.

Maybe a flamethrower.

  
It's not as if it could badly hurt angel or demon anyway, so...

  
It looks at the TV and back to its two flatmates.

How does it see, you ask? It's just a little robot without as much as a camera?

Eh.

It belongs to Crowley (not like he owns it, no-one owns Stabby, it is its own Roomba), and Crowley is someone whose car doesn't need fuel to drive and whose loudspeakers don't need cables to connect.

This roomba doesn't need eyes to see, doesn't need ears to listen to angel and demon argue.

Angel and demon in question keep sitting on the couch, engrossed in the action movie and completely oblivious to the sentient little robot's violent thoughts.


End file.
